Doubt

It has come to my attention yesterday morning that the School of Humanities (SOH) here in my university is starting to accept applicants for the Loyola School Awards for the Arts (LSAA). They give awards to students who are skilled in the arts such as creative writing, screen arts, visual arts, singing, music, dancing and etc. The panel of does not choose students at random. Students have to apply first before they are given the award.

This concerns me greatly because

(1) All past three presidents of the dance club I am a part of (and also, now the 4th president) have been given on LSAA Award for Dance. The first and third president have been training in ballet since they were little girls and the second president has been competing in various dance sport competitions. I, on the other hand, have nothing to show.

(2) The president before me said before she left, “She (our dance teacher) will force you to apply. You have no choice.” You see, our dance teacher is part of the panel of judges who choose the students who get the award. It puts a lot of pressure on me if I don’t make it because I am not only carrying my name but I’m carrying hers as well. Also, imagine the humiliation/disgrace when I’m the only president as of now who did not get an award. (I know, I know! – That’s a huge load to carry. I’ve been carrying it since the start of the school year.)

Like I said, I have nothing to show. I have been dancing since I was a little girl but I wasn’t consistent. My parents were very strict and didn’t allow me to continue dancing after one recital for each dance (ballet, hip hop, belly dancing & hula). This is the only LEGIT time where I actually get to train as a real dancer.

Many of my closest friends said that I can do it, that I’m going to get an award. They said since I’m the president of a dance org, that’s a sure win already. I, however, do not think so. I’ve never believed in myself when it comes to dance because I always set my standards too high. I am not sorry for this. I think that it will eventually make me better. I hope.

And, its easy to say ‘Go ahead, you can do it!’. I’ve seen the process and heard stories about the deliberations from my dance teacher. Actually, the president before me always did not make it to the list. THAT’S ALREADY WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LOT OF CREDENTIALS. I don’t know where I stand.

Err. I’ve put myself in this situation, and its not a nice place to be in. I think [know] I have the skills. I just don’t see what other people see in me when I dance. blah.

xoxo.

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