The first half of my 2014 has been crazy different! I’ve quit my teaching job last March. It was a bittersweet feeling. I’m totally going to miss seeing my students and their wtf-are-you-doing-stop-now ways. Despite the fact that they gave me stress pimples and showed me veins that I didn’t know could pop out of my neck and forehead, I learned to love and care for all 48 of them.
After that, I took my first ever dance workshop with Douglas Nierras’ Powerdance. (A little background about them, they are THE best contemporary dance group in the Philippines. They are currently in Europe now for their dance tour! Europe + dance!!? Are you kidding me? That’s the dream. HAHA.) The workshop lasted for about 5 weeks, every Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 2pm-7m (although, when we were nearing our recital date, it was from 10am-til whatever. ok). There were three workshop that we could take: ballroom, hiphop, and jazz. I took classes in all fields, and it was the most draining & challenging thing I’ve ever done physically. During the workshop process, member of Powerdance expressed their desire to let me join their group!! Imagine that! But…more on that later.
And now we’re here in the present. I’ve decided to go back to school this August. I’m going to be taking undergrad courses in French and/or Spanish to accomplish the requirements needed to take a masters degree in those languages. I’ve only been seriously reviewing the French and Spanish lessons I took up when I was in college recently (meaning last week) to prep myself for what I imagine to be something so competitive and challenging – especially since i’ll be studying in the University of the Philippines and with people who have been studying languages everyday for hours on end.
I’ve been really looking forward to going back to school (especially school supplies shopping! haha Call me weird but I find satisfaction in having new notebooks, pads of paper, pens…the works!) Not until last night when a sudden wave of doubt hit me and I didn’t see it coming. Don’t you just hate that? I was about to fall asleep when suddenly the voices in your head whisper “You’re going to fail”. Oh gee, thanks a bunch!
Same thing happened when I was offered to join Powerdance. I always told them I’d think about it, which I’ve already done the moment one of them asked me. I was screaming “YES!!!!” in my head, but there were the voices again that screamed louder than I did, that my ‘yes’ turned out to be a whisper.
They say that you are your worst critic, right? That has been so true for me for years. I’ve let myself become slave to the voices in my head … to me – my doubts, my fears, my concerns, my negativity, and that has stopped me from doing a lot of things that I wish I should’ve done at that time. I feel like the old version of myself would let my once resounding ‘yes’ continue to fade into nothingness and let myself believe that I am going to fail going back to school even before I’ve attended a single class.
But now, I’m 21 years old, and I’ve experienced things that I would only dream of doing. However scary both future experiences may be, I am not the version of me that would let these slip away for sure. Like what I’ve said, the first half of this year has been crazy different. I feel like I’ve had a good amount of time to dip myself into a myriad of things until moving on to the next one.
Before I decided to type out my feelings and concerns, I dreaded having the sliver of doubt pop up in my head. I’ve learned that something so small and simple can ultimately ruin someone if you let it. But, now as I’m nearing the end of this post, I’ve realized that those kinds of thoughts can be a good thing. In a way, for me at least, it pushes you to make sure that you don’t make those thoughts from happening. Despite how scary it may be and how heavy it feels to think that you won’t be able to make it even before you’ve tried, I feel that that it builds character. Like what I’ve mentioned, the old me wouldn’t have even dared to counter the voices in my head. The me right now however is this version you’re reading telling the voices to piss off.
And at the end of it all, after you’ve been through everything, you’ll realize that it wasn’t so scary after all.