One Year After

**Late post

At around 11pm on January 8, 2016, Dad, after enduring constant chest pains, breathed his final labored breath. I can only describe that night to be unexpected as a few hours before 11pm, he was telling all of us that the day after, we’d still get to talk to him although he won’t be able to reply evidently because of the tube down his throat. Now that I think about it, after watching mom cry and hear her ask dad if he wanted to go already, he, at his last few hours alive, still remained courageous and managed to furrow his forehead at the thought of giving up. He didn’t want to be defeated. Not for us (and I mean all of us). Aside from the old woman who came up to me and said that the same thing happened to her husband a few days prior and yet, was still able to evade the unspeakable, dad fighting gave me hope. Sabi nga nila na masakit talagang umasa. 

I’m not one to easily remember things. At some point in my life when I was younger, I used to forget my moms’ birthday. To my surprise, I can play that day from start to finish without missing a thing. I can even remember what snacks I bought at 7/11 before heading to the hospital. (two Side-Winder gummy worms and two Loaded chocolate packs)

For a year already, I’ve played that night over and over in my head. If you’ve seen me gaze into the distance, that was probably what was going through my mind. I didn’t do it to make myself feel melancholic. No. In between all the chaos and stress, there were quick moments, such as tight squeezes dad made us feel on our hands as if to say, “Stop crying” or a big nod which I know meant, “I love you guys, too”, that were comforting and would easily put a small smile on my face.

You may be gone, Dad, but you have Mom, your five awesomely talented kids, and everyone you’ve touched and helped to always make sure that your legacy and memory will forever live on. I miss you very much, and I love you even more.

Words Are Just Words

 

How are you supposed to answer the “How are you?” or “Are you OK?” questions after your dad just passed away?

People keep saying “I know we may not be close, but if you need someone to talk to, I’m here”. Even the people I’m close with have said that they’re “just a call or text away”. I’ve taken some of them up on their offer and hoped to get a good conversation out of it. However, people have seen zoned me or just immediately went offline while I was typing my reply, and they never got back to me. I’ve made it a point to ignore people that I could reach through my phone or laptop for a couple of days because it was later on that I realized that people really don’t know what they’re saying, and they end up saying things just to seem nice but actually don’t mean whatever they let slip out of their mouths.

Whenever they ask if I’m OK, I just do the good ol’ tilt head & smile and say nothing else. Saying that I’m OK is lying to them and to myself. Saying that I’m not just makes things awkward because it’s as if they are now obliged to make me feel better. Some, however, have returned the “tilt head & smile” gesture and just turn around and walk away to do the same to another member of the family.

I’ve always told myself to feel whatever I have to feel at the right setting and time. If I need to cry, I will. If I need to get angry, then definitely I will. If I need to just be somber and quiet, I’ll allow myself to do that. I’ve come across so many faces during the past two weeks, and most of them have told me to stop crying and move on or be strong because, according to them, that’s what my dad would have wanted. They’re right. My dad wouldn’t want me to obsess about his death and cling on casket for dear life (which I did, but isn’t that what wakes are for?). However, people who said those things either (1) don’t know what it feels like to lose a parent  (or a child, a loved one so dear) or (2) are just completely heartless and are used to being inappropriate.

How can people tell me to move on when the month of January hasn’t even ended yet? I understand completely that my dad is so much better where he is now. He is no longer dependent on his oxygen tanks, no longer thinking about the many problems my cousins, aunts, and uncles give him, or no longer stressing about a libel case or if the Lakers won or not. When I look at his urn and picture, I smile a bit because I think of what he could be possibly doing up there. He could be playing basketball with his brothers, relaxing by the beach, drinking, again with his brothers, while my grandparents frown at them, or eating to his heart’s content. I understand all of that, and I am legitimately happy for my dad that he is now at peace.

But, you see, for us mortals still in this world, we continue to feel pain and despair. Those are not easily forgotten or brushed off of our shoulders. We are constantly hit by memories that we choose to remember over and over because that is all that is left for us to cling to. Scents fade, and things aren’t the same without the person you are missing are there to use them. I think memories are the only things that are secure and constant in times like these.

I have a friend whose step-father passed away a few years ago. He said that he knows how insignificant words can be and that whatever people are saying cannot bring back my dad or truly console my broken heart. However, he said that even if people’s words don’t mean anything, at least I know that there are people who care. I guess that’s one way of looking at it. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate my friends’ messages and attempts of cheering me up. There are just some people who become too much for me. 

He also advised me to listen to Largo from Concerto No. 5 for Piano in F Minor by BachI guess that’s what I’ll go do now.

Halfway Through with 2014!

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This is what the first half of my 2014 looks like!

1st row: New year’s with Larrisa, first party of the year with my college barkada, watched Wicked, roaring 20’s debut with my dance friends, judged another PE finals 

2nd row: picture with my students <3, Ateneo Bonfire, FIS Class of 2014 graduation faculty “We did it” picture, ice skating with my co-teachers, karaoke with my college barkada

3rd row: @ Larrisa’s debut with Baguio people, then with Bea and Lar, La Union trip with my family, visit to Dinosaur Island with my siblings : ), Easter Sunday picture with both my sisters

4th row: drinking session with my cousins & siblings, Powerdance Workshop pictorial, 1st complete picture of my siblings and I with our dad : ), saying bye to my Ate and her family at the airport, Boracay 2014 with my siblings and our dad

5th row: Island hopping with my family, went ziplining for the first time!! and blew the candle from my birthday cake : ), Hamada family picture by the beach, birthday dinner with my college friends, and random dinner with them. 


So far, I feel like my year has been a smooth sailing one. I’ve learned to just take everything all in (not all at once though!) by just being more open to whatever comes my way. What’s your year looking like?

“Well, I hope you know you have all the time in the world.”

My dad texted me that after I asked my parents, for the first time, if I could have dinner with Marco on Tuesday. His mom’s making BBQ ribs or something along those lines.

He got mad at me a couple of months ago and said, “Why do you have to rush? You’re smart and you have this whole future ahead of you!!!” My friends said it’s not like liking someone is going to compromise my future. I know that. He knows that. It’s like in the Top 10 Rules in whatever book it’s supposed to be in. I have my dreams and goals, and they still have not changed even when Marco walked into the picture. I still want to go to Europe. I still want to do everything on that things to do before you die list. So, relax, Dad.

First of all, it’s not like I’m getting married tomorrow.  It’s not like I’m moving to Seattle and starting a whole new life. I’m 20, and I know I have the world at my fingertips. Just let me be.   Second of all, this is all just normal stuff, isn’t it? (Isn’t it?) Boy likes girl-girl likes boy kind of stuff. Lastly, I’m happy. I hope you could see that.

Well, I guess this is a normal thing for dads, right? He can’t help but to be super over protective, especially towards his daughters.

But, enough on feeling blaah about what my dad said. They both allowed me to have dinner with Marco & his family anyway. So, yeeeeey 🙂 Baby steps. Wish me luck!

xoxo

Living & Learning On My Own

If you’ve read my previous blog post, I’ve mentioned that I had a part-time job offer to teach Spanish at an international school here in Manila. I went to the school to go for my interview yesterday. Everything went okay! I was really glad that I got to let my best friend come with me 😀 I am now officially teaching Spanish at Fountain International School! weeeeee The academic director who interviewed me was Turkish, and really nice. Although, it was difficult understanding what he was saying because of his accent. He told me to go back on Thursday to sign contracts, and the parent’s orientation is also going to be on that day. On Friday, it’s the orientation for the students. That’s when they get to choose which language they want (either French, Spanish, Mandarin or Turkish). I was really excited about this whole thing…up until about 6pm today.

My mom and I were at the local spa having our nails done. My mom suddenly received a text from my dad. My dad was saying something like just because I found my first job that this is it for me. He thinks that I’m just going to settle with being a language teacher all my life. He told my mom to tell me that there are more opportunities out there, and that I should rush into things. My dad said that I can just stay at home and my mom and just keep giving me allowance. WHAT IS THAT?! SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME.  -_- ( I get paid to bum at home? hahaha what is that.)

I got really maaaaaad. I told my mom do they think I’m stupid? Do they think that I don’t know all that? I told her I know what I’m doing, and I’m not going to settle for just the first job offer I get. I’m doing this to gain experience & to improve my Spanish. I also really really want to buy my siblings something with the money I earn. GUUUH.

I know they mean well, but I just can’t believe that they’re saying all of this. My parents can be the most controlling ones out there, I kid you not. My mom always tell me that my dad thinks that I’m still a little girl. Well, newsflash parents, I’m not anymore.

I need to learn the tricks of life on my own. I need to push myself to become more independent, and that’s what I’m trying to do. I hope that they start listening to me and realize that they’ve done their job wonderfully. Now, it’s my turn to figure things out. I want to be kicked and punched by life, no matter how frightening that may be.

Wish me luck, you guys 🙂

xoxo
Samantha Jean

What makes me feel infinite

This post is dedicated to my friends and every moment I spend with them. I haven’t had time to blog since last week because I’ve just been so busy! Allow me to walk you through what happened for the first part of last week! 🙂

March 18
We had our practice for graduation. I was really looking forward to it because I was going to see my friends again 🙂 It was just to early though! I wasn’t used to waking up at 6 in the morning. HAHA (excuse me for being a couch potato) We ended at around 11am with our tummies grumbling and sweat dripping down our faces. After the grad practice, I had lunch with my blockmates at Kenny Roger’s. I was so hungry, I ate a lot again compared to my friends! Oops! After that, I brought Mima and her brother, Johann, to the University of the Philippines because Johann had to audition for the UP College of Music. I dropped them off first and had to submit some UP Law stuff for my brother (In case you didn’t know, he passed Law School! :D). After that, I went back to where Mima and Johann were. The strings section were auditioning that time. Johann was going to play the classical guitar, and it was so nice listening to the people play. It was like a lullaby; I didn’t want to leave. HAHA. Eventually, I had to because I had to get ready for my dance teacher’s birthday celebration at the dance studio. It was a really fine way to cap off the night. I was dancing for the heck of it, without having to worry about people watching or stress at school or at home. I was just dancing for fun. Here are some pictures documenting my day! 🙂

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Taken during our graduation practice! The stage looked so pretty during the grad day itself! 🙂 

IMG_6096Taken at the dance studio with the people who helped me survive my term as president for the ADSC. Thank you so much!! I will miss you guys! I will try to visit as often as I can 🙂 

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With the new ADSC boys. Thank you for your enthusiasm. I hope that you guys won’t quit! When I visit, I hope you guys will be dancing circles around me! HAHA 

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Here’s a picture of Dance Instructors dancing to KPop Music…

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….and here are a few ADSC members trying to copy them. HAHA

March 19
SLEEPOVER WITH G1! That was what happend last Tuesday. HAHA We agreed that we would meet at 11am, but most of the people arrived at 6pm. (Boo, you whores! haha) Nevertheless, it was fun and all we did was laugh, eat, quote Pitch Perfect, cry (A LITTLE!!!), and just talk. Oh, and it was Gruta’s first sleepover ever IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. I’m so glad that she was able to finally sleepover! Here are pictures from the awesome night!

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Because we arrived a little passed 11am (as what was agreed upon! haha), my blockmates had time to finish up their dedications for the rest of the block. 

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We watched Pitch Perfect because no sleepover now would be complete without it. We watched it while waiting for other people to arrive. 

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After the movie, the girls and I got hungry and decided to walk to one of the restaurants nearby. It took us longer than expected because some of them had to scream and run around whenever they saw a cockroach. HAHA. 

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After dinner, we walked back home and surprised 3 of our blockmates with cupcakes! 🙂 They graduated with honors and we are all so proud of them! (LtoR: Karen, our Magna Cum Laude and Program Awardee, Lanz (not in picture so we had to use his grad pic instead), honorable mention, and Mikee, honorable mention) 

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We then went into more serious things when we started to talk about life, family, friends, school, and love. 

Thank you for the past four years, girls + Lanz. No goodbyes, only, “See you soon!”

March 20
SENIOR SEND-OFF! My Uni has this tradition to send off the graduating seniors. They call in the Blue Roast (Roast because they had to roast a calf or two to feed us! lol) It was one of the best nights of my life, I swear! I spent it with the people that I love, and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I felt that our sisterhood and friendship with other people become stronger and I know that it’ll last a lifetime. We ate, laughed, cried (this time, A LOT!!!), sang, and just enjoyed the night. We were given blue roses to give to whoever meant to most to us, the person who was a true friend, the person who became more than a friend…the list is endless Again, here are some pictures!

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To the person I gave my Blue Rose to, thank you for the past year 🙂 Also, thank you for slow dancing with me. That my first time to slow dance EVER, and I’m glad that I shared the experience with you!

IMG_6158With one of the best girl friends you could ask for. Thank you for the crazy, spontaneous nights. I love you so much, Ms. Ganda! Keep in touch, okay? 

IMG_61612009, we only had 3 guys in the block. Two guys left the next year and the one who stayed turned out to be gay. 3 years later, we welcomed our arms to the best guys you will ever meet. They are protective, funny and are under our control. (semi chos) HAHA 

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I gave another rose to this cutie! He came out of the closet during our sophomore year. I still remember the night when he messaged first 7 people from the block. I was lost for words, and I wasn’t able to sleep. Nonetheless, we accepted him whole heartedly. I gave my rose to Lanz because he is our dakilang boyfriend. haha He was all our boyfriend before some of us found real ones. HAHA. He cared for each of us and always wanted the best for us. Thank you, Lanz. I love you so much! 

IMG_6163To the crazy, weird, sabaw moments we shared….

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… to opening ourselves up to love and to sharing every kilig moment …

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… to finally having the courage to admit to the people that we love …

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… to finally closing old wounds …

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… and to celebrating friendship (friendship nga lang ba? :> haha)..Never have I felt that alive. I only do when I’m with you guys! I hope to see you guys in the big leagues. I wish that you will choose your happiness first. I don’t want you guys living miserable lives! hihi I’m so excited to see what life has in store for us. I can’t wait until our paths will cross again. I love each and everyone of you…to infinity and beyond!


As I have said, this post is dedicated to them: ADSC, G1, and FoG1s. Thank you for making my stay in the Ateneo more bearable. I cannot wait to see you guys again. I miss you guys already!!!

See you soon! 😉

xoxo
Samantha Jean 

P.S. Pics and whatever about graduation on a different post! hihi

LAST CANCER UPDATE

I wrote Cancer Update 3.0 5 days ago (March 12, 2013). I told you guys that we couldn’t do anything anymore and that we just had to wait for my uncle to leave us when its time. A lot has happened then.
**This will be a long post because I will try to be as detailed as possible. 

March 13, 2013

We visited my uncle just as we usually do. He was transfered out of the ICU and placed in his own private room. All my family members from my dad’s side were there except my uncle’s kids because they still had work. We were all there talking and just enjoying our time together with my uncle near us. Little by little, everyone started going home, saying their goodbyes. My dad, mom, siblings, together with two of my aunts and a cousin and I decided to go out for dinner. My uncle’s son was assigned to stay in the hospital for that night. We left at around 10pm. My dad told my brother that they would go back to the hospital at around 11pm to give a pulse/oxygen intake reader for my uncle to use instead of the ECG reader.

At 11pm, we were finished with dinner, and we went our separate ways. My dad and brother dropped me, my mom and sister at home, got the pulse/oxygen level reader and drove back to the hospital. At 11:30pm, they were back home and everything was normal.

Things went downhill from 12:15mn, March 14, 2013.

March 14, 2013

12:15a.m. – My dad was sleeping, I was playing with my younger sister, and my brother just walked into my parents room, and my mom was checking if my sister’s homework was correct.  All of a sudden, my mom got a call from my cousin, Jean (my uncle’s daughter), that my uncle went under cardiac arrest. I remember looking at my sister and we both had a what-do-we-do expression. My dad was getting dressed, my brother was ready to leave, my mom was getting her purse and I decided to go with them too. My sister had to stay at home because she had to go to school in the morning.

12:30a.m. – We arrived at the hospital. My dad didn’t even get to turn off the engines yet when my brother and I opened the doors immediately and ran to my uncle’s room as fast as possible. We passed by the ER Room, the cashier, the hallways – we passed by so many people looking at us in despair because they knew that something has happened to whoever we were running to in the hospital at 12:30 in the morning. I reached the private rooms first, and I saw my cousin, Mark (my uncle’s son), almost in tears right outside my uncle’s room. I gave him a big hug, and he left because he was trying to contact his sister. I looked into the room and all I saw were these people with white coats. Honestly, I thought he was gone because they were just standing there. I couldn’t go in because I didn’t want to see him yet. My mom arrived and went in. She talked with the doctors and nurses. My dad showed up next. He told me and my brother to comfort Kuya Mark because at this point, he was already crying hysterically. He thought the same thing I did.

12:40a.m – I hear the clacking of slippers against the hospital floor, and I knew immediately that Ate Jean was rushing to see her dad. My brother, Kuya Mark and I ran to her. Ate Jean stopped at the doorway and froze immediately. Kuya Mark hugged her because she was just hard like a statue. She might’ve thought the same thing I did. My uncle’s wife arrived a few minutes after Ate Jean did. She couldn’t believe her eyes either. She screamed a deafening scream because she thought, like I and my cousins did, that the love of her life was gone.

12:45a.m – My mother informed my uncle’s immediate family that the doctors were able to revive him. I was trying to calm my cousins down while my dad and brother were seated right outside the room. All the doctors were filing out of the room, and it was our turn to get a good look at him. There was blood everywhere, and he looked more helpless than ever. I never really liked to look at my uncle like that. One, because I didn’t want to see him all lifeless and stuff and two, he looked so much like my dad I just didn’t want my dad to be ever in that position.

1:00am – My uncle’s immediate family were talking to him. They were saying their goodbyes and that they would love him forever. One of my aunt’s arrived too (Tita Emmy). At this point, we were just sitting inside the room (Except for my dad, he always stayed outside. I think he didn’t want me or anyone else to see him cry. Also, he didn’t want to see his brother that way) staring at each other, staring at nothing. The doctors gave my uncle medicine to help his heart continue working, and they also attached a machine ventilator to help him breath. The only thing you could here in the room were sobbing, the beeps from the ECG machine, and the sound of the machine ventilator. It was eerily unpleasant. My family made a decision that if ever her were to have a heart attack again or if the medicines ran out, that the doctors were to not revive him anymore. Basically, we just bought 12hours more with my uncle. That was the most important 12 hours of my life.

2:00a.m. – Everyone decided to sleepover at the hospital, except my dad. We told him to rest at home. We rented another room for us to sleep in. I don’t think anyone could really sleep at the time. I tried, but an hour later, I walked back to my uncle’s room.

3:00 – 7:30a.m.  – I found out that the cardinals elected a new pope. We decided to watch the happenings in Rome. We told my uncle we had a new pope and what was going on in Rome. I kept holding his hand the whole time. At around 4am, we found out who the pope was, and my mom told me to get some sleep while she and Tita Emmy will stay in my uncle’s room to keep watch. I was only able to get some sleep at around 5:30am.

7:30a.m – My mom woke me up and told me that my uncle’s medicines were almost finished. I immediately got up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and walked sleepily to my uncle’s room.

8:00a.m. – My uncle’s medicines were completely finished. I braced myself because I thought that once the medicines were gone, he would start to get weak. Apparently, the medicines stayed in his system for 5 more hours. My uncle’s immediate family started to cry again so everyone started to cry too. Ate Jean called her son on the phone. She wanted him to talk to his grandpa. Her son knew that his grandpa was very sick. This was what he told my uncle: “Goodbye, grandpa. I’ll miss you. You’re an angel now. Watch over me and Rian (his sister). I love you very much.” When I heard that, I tried so hard to hold back my tears. At least Gabby was able to know his grandpa.

9:00a.m – 12:30p.m.  – That was the longest wait of my life. We kept talking to my uncle, holding his hand…we just made him feel that his family was there for him, fighting with him. There wasn’t much that we could do but wait. My dad was always outside the room. I went out occasionally just to check up on him. I knew he was hurting so much inside. Ate Jean’s husband arrived and informed us that he brought the kids with him. They were inside the car with their maids. My brother and I wanted to say hi to them so the three of us (me, my brother and Kuya Riel) walked to the parking lot. I was so happy to see their bright faces smiling up at us. We stayed in the parking lot for 10 minutes. We went back to my uncle’s room at 12:30p.m.

12:30p.m.- 1:05p.m.  – “His heart rate dropped to 35.” The smile from when I saw my niece and nephew immediately disappeared. At the same time, my uncle’s eldest daughter, Ate Farrah, just arrived from Lingayen (about a 2 hour drive to our city). We all knew that it was close. I kept watching his heart graph on the ECG machine. It stayed on 35 for a while. I’d like to believe that he waited for his eldest daughter to arrive before he said goodbye. A couple minutes later, his HR went up to 50, dropped to 35, went up to 40, dropped to 35, dropped to 27, then 23, then, 19, then —–.

1:05p.m – I saw how slowly the color in him was fading away. I saw how slowly the life in him was disappearing. That was the first time had someone pass away right before my eyes. I decided to leave the room with one of my cousins, and accompany my dad outside. My cousin and I were both crying and my dad was being strong for all of us. My dad told us to pick ourselves up because we had to be strong too for the family. We had to help out in any way that we can. I did that immediately.

UN-TIMED:
I entered the room and heard the eery long beep in the room signifying that a life has ended. The doctors were removing the medicines and tubes attached to his nose and throat. All my family members left the room one by one and moved on to the other room that we rented to understand what just happened. I stayed in my uncle’s room to help pack up his stuff and everyone else’s things.

The hospital people cleaned my uncle up, wrapped him up like a mummy and brought him down to the ground floor because they were to bring him immediately to the funeral parlor.

And just like that, my uncle was gone. It didn’t even feel as if we waited for almost 24 hours. It felt much much shorter than that. Tita Emmy told my mom that my brother broke down in the room that we rented. He said that all the brothers of my dad here in the Philippines are gone now and he couldn’t help but think that our dad could be gone anytime too. I try to avoid the thought of my dad, mom or anyone else dying because I always think of my little sister and how she will handle things.

We were all at the funeral parlor at around 4p.m. My mom and I were the one’s choosing the coffin. After that was finished, my mom and I decided to go see my uncle being embalmed. Now, before you all go WTF YOU WANTED TO SEE YOUR UNCLE BE EMBALMED YOU ARE ONE SICK MOTHERFCKER, I am not scared about that sort of stuff. I actually think its very interesting.

My family decided to go home and shower because we stayed overnight in the hospital with barely any sleep and were still wearing the same clothes the night before. After my mom and I cleaned up, we, plus my dad headed back to the funeral parlor. My brother passed out on his bed. He was too tired.

Up until today, images of my uncle on his hospital bed randomly pop up in my head. I am still very sad that he is gone. I always think about how my dad is doing. Tito Billy was the last brother he had here in the Philippines. All of their other siblings are in the US. My dad will have to act as sort of a dad to my everyone here now. At least three of his siblings will be flying from the States to visit. I hope that’ll liven up his mood. xxx

Rest in Peace, Tito Billy. At least now you are no longer suffering, no longer worrying, and you are now at peace with Lola, Lola, Tito Ocay, Tito Bing and Tito Pat. 

Thank you to, you, who made it to the end of this post! 😀 May your live your life to the fullest. Take care.

xoxo
Samantha Jean

CANCER UPDATE 3.0

Mom just told me that there’s nothing we can do now for my uncle. Doctors said if they tried to remove the cancer seeds in his brain, that they might puncture a vein or something.  Mom just told me and my sister to wait for his time to go and that we should start preparing ourselves for when it’ll actually happen.

UGH HOW TO DEAL. CANCER YOU ARE ONE OF THE WORST THINGS EVER AND I HOPE PEOPLE WILL FIND A CURE ASAP. I HATE HOW CANCER HAS TAKEN THE LIVES OF SO MANY PEOPLE ALREADY. GUH

If you could, to whoever is reading this, please pray, wish or whatever is it that you do that my uncle doesn’t feel any pain from now until that time comes. I hope that he doesn’t feel anything. I hope that he’s just comfortably sleeping.

I need a miracle.

CANCER UPDATE 2.0

Back story is here and also here. Just to get ahead of everyone else, I don’t have cancer. It’s my uncle who does.

The last time I blogged about his cancer journey was October of last year. Its March 2013 now, and things just got a lot worse.

To share with everyone what has been going on, from October 2012-February 2013, my uncle was doing fine. He was gaining weight, getting stronger and was going back to his normal self again. We were all glad that he was getting better. Mom even said that the cancer cells were actually going away.

But things took a turn for the worse a few days after Valentine’s Day. My family had valentine’s dinner together, and they told me that my uncle was strong as ever. We didn’t really expect anything bad to happen. After Valentine’s Day, he just didn’t feel like eating at all. He started to become very weak and dizzy.

They brought him to the hospital, and sooner or later, I got a text from my mom saying he’s in the ICU and, get this, under a coma. He has fluid in his head because, according to the MRI results, he has cancer seeds in his brain too, which are blocking the passage way of the fluid. There are a few times where my cousins said that he’d open his eyes for a couple of seconds or he’d move a bit, then stop moving.

My aunt (his wife) just can’t compose herself. She’s been crying everyday since they brought him to the hospital. We’re all trying to be strong for her. My mom spends most of her time there just to keep her company and cheer her up. Also, she’s there to explain all the medical stuff to my aunt.

I saw my uncle for the first time again since December just this Sunday. I did not expect to see him looking so weak and just helpless. I couldn’t stay in the ICU for a long time. I just stayed for a minute or two. If I stayed longer, I would’ve cried and kept on crying because I didn’t want my uncle to be in such a horrible state anymore. I want him to get better. Also, he resembles my dad. I saw my dad’s face in him a couple of times, and the thought of having either one of them in that situation just killed me.

Today, he had surgery because they had to put a tube in his throat so that he can breath better. My family got a private room for him too because my dad thought that the ICU was just too germ ridden after all the deaths that happened while my uncle was in there (Side story, my mom said that there was a woman who was already in the ICU and she died already, but they revived her. My mom helped. She’s under observation now. And just yesterday, there was a woman who died because of untreated UTI – sepsis. Her kids were there too, crying like crazy. I felt really bad for them. There’s another patient in the ICU who has problems with his colon and has a few dead toes because blood circulation in his body just isn’t good.)

I think my dad’s preparing himself of for the worst, but of course, he’s still hoping for a miracle to happen. We all are.

I hope you all are doing fine. ‘Til the next entry,
xoxo samantha jean

I miss these girls already

I am officially on Christmas Break! 2 weeks of eating, eating, and more eating! Last Wednesday (December 19), my block had our 2nd Christmas Congress. We shared so much more about ourselves, about our loved ones, about each other that truly made our bond so much stronger.

I am so glad that I have these girls in my life. I’ve learned so much from them than I would in my how-many-years in school. Thank you for all your unconditional love, for all the jokes, advice, food…EVERYTHING. I love each and everyone of you to the moon and back.

I’d just like to share a video of watching the coronation of the Ms. Universe Pageant  2012. As one of my blockmates said, ‘We should make this a tradition!’ We totally should 😉 HAHA I, up until this day, think that we were robbed. #cannotgetoverit

I miss you girls already. See you in two weeks, loves!